i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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