I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i drank out of a bidet.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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