Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
