its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
