I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
