either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
