I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
