When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
