So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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