The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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