I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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