oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
