A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
