Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
