Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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