guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
