I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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