how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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