I hope mine doesn't look like that
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
