Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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