Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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