FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
