I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
