Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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