I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
