We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
