It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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