My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
