who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
