Sry I called you an 8
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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