I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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