paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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