How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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