my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
