Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
