Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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