she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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