i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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