Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
