the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
