i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I touched a dick in church today
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
