Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
