Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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