I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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