Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
