K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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