My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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