okay pat passed out under dana's car
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
