remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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