I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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