I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
