Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
